where we stand

It's been an interesting week. It's been a long week, too.

I haven't been doing much, just going to work, then going home. It's kind of the deal I struck with my doctor and my bosses. I agreed to take it as easy as possible, they agreed to let me work.

This time a week ago I thought I was on my way back to the States. Teaching English at an academy such as mine isn't the most stable job, nor are your employers the most loyal. Teachers are commodities in this system, and can be easily replaced. So, when my doctor agreed to let me leave the hospital on the condition that I not work for a month, I knew I'd have to start doing some persuading. Persuading soon devolved into pleading and begging, which has led to a trial period of sorts. For the next two or three weeks everyone keeps a close eye on me, makes sure I'm not bleeding all over the place, and I get to stay here. I make a couple hospital visits a week so the doctor can monitor what my blood is doing, and of course if anything major is found in my marrow biopsy, well it's curtains for my Korean contract.

Given my symptoms, the phrase "anything major" translates to leukemia. That's the one that keeps me up at night. It's also the one I'm most confused about, because I'm about 99% certain I remember a doctor telling me a few hours after they took my marrow that she saw no leukemia cells. But when I go for these check ups a different doctor tells me she's still poking around in the stuff and it'll take 2 weeks. Consistent bedside manner would be nice. Or maybe I dreamed being told there was no leukemia; my state of mind was pretty spotty there for a week or so.

But anyway, yeah, I thought I was good as gone, and I pretty much was. While I was stuck in the Emergency Ward I received texts from my coworker warning me I was going to be replaced. That was probably on my second or third day in the hospital, before I'd even exhausted the five sick days my contract provides. In fact, I found out the other day that I technically had been replaced, at least for a few hours. However, it all fell through at the last, last minute. My replacement backed out; perhaps it was all moving too fast for him. I should note that it wasn't every Korean associated with my school who demanded I instantly be fired because of my illness, rather it was just one guy, the guy with all the money. A couple others kinda stuck their necks on the line for me. I bought them flowers the other day.

I'm not sure what the word is for how that made me feel. I try not to take it personally, but the thought of this rich businessman willing to uproot my entire life, force me home on my own dollar, all while I'm slowly bleeding to death from the inside out not knowing what the hell is going on...that thought...persists. It doesn't motivate me one way or the other. It's like a mental purpura to go along with the physical one on my arms and legs, just something that's there now.

I feel well. I can thank the prednisone for that. I wasn't thrilled about going on it in the first place, but after seeing what it's done for me I'm a little afraid to go off it. And that's something to really be afraid of. I can't stay on it forever though, and they're already weaning me off it. Side effects so far have been minimal, just that I've been eating a ton. For a guy who weighed 120 pounds when this whole thing started, that's not the worst thing in the world. Honest to God though, I wouldn't be surprised if I've gained 10 pounds since I've been on the stuff. I've never eaten this much in my life.

My next appointment is for the 20th. Hopefully I'll know more then. Thanks to all of you who've contacted me, whether through here or email or facebook. It's been a big help.